This site will feature Bible-based articles some days, silly posts and quotes at least twice a week and facts about Jack the Ripper-to begin with.

Posts tagged ‘guilt’

5 minute friday-Loss

It’s Friday and time for 5 minute friday-where I join up with the gypsy mama and write for 5 minutes-no stopping, no editing.  This week’s prompt is LOSS.  In order to do this, I’m going to continue writing about what I was writing about yesterday with FEWER WORDS THURSDAY.

GO.

When I was 19, I got into some trouble and people I had known forever refused to forgive me, telling me that I deserved everything I got.  They said, “I don’t want to hear about your fear, it’s too late for that.”

They also said, “Your life is over.  Now, you have to think about the baby.  It’s life is about to begin.  You can’t be selfish and think about what you want.  It’s too late for that.  You have a decision to make.”

I had lost everything and in making this decision, I gave up everything to make everyone else happy.  I’ve been carrying around this secret for 19 years now.  After 1 session with a counselor, I feel less shame about letting it out.

I know God forgives me.  I have a lot of unresolved issues from that time.  Everyone has moved on but me.  Everyone has been happy but me.

Stop.

Fewer Words Thursday-Peace

It’s Thursday again and time for Fewer Words Thursday.  Join Andrea and I once again and click on the pretty picture for the not-so-much rules.

  Today, Andrea was still taking on the idea fo SERENITY.  At the end of her post, she asked what would give me peace.  I think I know the answer to that.  Nineteen years ago, I got into some trouble.  Some people that I had known for years would not forgive me.  When I tried to talk abut how scared I was and didn’t want to deal with it, they all said, “Well, you should have thought about that before yu did what you did,” or “Well, you’ve made your bed, now lie in it”.  They als told me that I deserved everything I got and I deserved to suffer.  They said I didn’t deserve any sympathy, just decide what I’m going to do about it and do it.

Well, I took those words to heart and have been telling myself how I don’t deserve sympathy and I deserve to suffer for the past nineteen years. After a session with a counselor, I did some thinking and realized that maybe I don’t have to punish myself anymre.  I want forgiveness.  Nothing has changed for me.  Inside, I am still nineteen years old and I still deserve to suffer.  But why?  Can’t I be forgiven now?  Have I suffered long enough, yet?

I’m tired, I’m really tired.  I’m tired of carrying this around with me.  I’m tired of burying it because I don’t deserve to talk about it.  Well, do I deserve to talk about it, yet?  Am I still supposed to be punishing myself?  Would they care if this kills me or would they say,”Well, she deserved it.  I hope she died miserable.”?

I told the counselor that I am not angry anymore, when he told me that I had a right to be angry.  I said, “I’m not angry anymore.  I’m just sad.”

Then we got into a discussion abut depression and I told him that I was on two antidepressants.  He said, “Do you know what depression is?  It’s repressed anger.”

I stopped dead in my tracks.  He told me I was still angry and thought I shouldn’t have been treated like that when I needed someone to lean on.  I think he’s right.  I also think I want them to tell me that they forgive me and I am reprieved in their sight.

That would give me peace.  At least, it would be a start.

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