It’s Thursday again and time for Fewer Words Thursday. Join Andrea and I once again and click on the pretty picture for the not-so-much rules.
Today, Andrea was still taking on the idea fo SERENITY. At the end of her post, she asked what would give me peace. I think I know the answer to that. Nineteen years ago, I got into some trouble. Some people that I had known for years would not forgive me. When I tried to talk abut how scared I was and didn’t want to deal with it, they all said, “Well, you should have thought about that before yu did what you did,” or “Well, you’ve made your bed, now lie in it”. They als told me that I deserved everything I got and I deserved to suffer. They said I didn’t deserve any sympathy, just decide what I’m going to do about it and do it.
Well, I took those words to heart and have been telling myself how I don’t deserve sympathy and I deserve to suffer for the past nineteen years. After a session with a counselor, I did some thinking and realized that maybe I don’t have to punish myself anymre. I want forgiveness. Nothing has changed for me. Inside, I am still nineteen years old and I still deserve to suffer. But why? Can’t I be forgiven now? Have I suffered long enough, yet?
I’m tired, I’m really tired. I’m tired of carrying this around with me. I’m tired of burying it because I don’t deserve to talk about it. Well, do I deserve to talk about it, yet? Am I still supposed to be punishing myself? Would they care if this kills me or would they say,”Well, she deserved it. I hope she died miserable.”?
I told the counselor that I am not angry anymore, when he told me that I had a right to be angry. I said, “I’m not angry anymore. I’m just sad.”
Then we got into a discussion abut depression and I told him that I was on two antidepressants. He said, “Do you know what depression is? It’s repressed anger.”
I stopped dead in my tracks. He told me I was still angry and thought I shouldn’t have been treated like that when I needed someone to lean on. I think he’s right. I also think I want them to tell me that they forgive me and I am reprieved in their sight.
That would give me peace. At least, it would be a start.